One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,「I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.」
說起來，這是上週的事情了，有一天晚上我和女友都進了被窩，然後...你懂的，無非就是各種摩擦...在光滑的床單上摩擦...「今天就算了吧，我只希望你摟著我就好」
I said, 「WHAT??!! What was that?!」
我說：「什麼？這算什麼？」
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
於是，我聽到了這個星球上所有男生都最不願意聽到的話...
「You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.」
「我是個女人，我需要情感慰藉，而你從不滿足我這點需求，你只想著滿足你們男人的發洩慾望！」
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 「Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?」
看著我一臉百思不得其解的表情，她又接著說：「我就是這樣，你要愛就愛我的全部，而不是我的身體！」
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
瞭解到那晚基本上和她啪啪啪無望之後，我只得洗洗就睡覺了。
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 「Lets get a pair for each outfit.」
第二天一早，我就跟領導請了一天假，花了一整天時間陪她，中午我們去了一家高檔餐廳吃了一頓飯，緊接著去了一家超豪華的商場，她在服裝區不斷試穿各種貴到嚇死人的衣服，最後已經不知道該買哪一件好了，於是，我告訴她，不挑了，全買了，挑完衣服她又想要挑能搭配衣服的鞋子，我也還是告訴她：「每套衣服都配上一雙鞋子。」
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
我們又去珠寶區逛，她又看上了一對鑽石耳環，這麼跟大家說吧，今天她可高興了，她估計自己都覺得會不會有點過分， 我都能覺察她在試探我的耐心了，因為她又說要買一條網球手鐲，而她連網球都不會打
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 「That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.」
當我對她說「差不多了，親愛的」的時候，我覺得她還有點錯愕，一路買下來感覺她激動的都快濕了，不過她還是穩住心神，滿懷希望地對我說：「我也覺得買這些就可以了，親愛的，我們去交錢吧~」
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 「No honey, I don't feel like it.」
說出下面這句話的時候，我都快繃不住要笑出來了，但是，我還是脫口而出：「不，親愛的，今天就算了吧」
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 「WHAT?」
她的小臉立刻就白了，下巴快掉到地上了一樣，一臉的困惑：「什麼？」
I then said, 「Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.」
我接著說：「親愛的，我只希望你摟著這些東西一會兒，我是個男人，我需要經濟慰藉，而你從不滿足我這點需求，你只想著滿足你們女人的購物慾望！」
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 「Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?」
就在她流露出濃濃的殺意的時候，我緊接著補充道：「我就是這樣，你要愛就愛我的全部，而不是愛我買給你的東西！」
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight.
當然了，晚上我又是一個人睡的！
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